In Loving Memory...of The Old Me

So, some good news - I got back to my scrapbooking this afternoon. 

Ok, so I've only done 1 page...
But I haven't done any at all since at least the beginning of April.

Although it cheered me up when I was signed off sick with antenatal depression (See post here), I found I lost all motivation when I went back to work because I was too tired. 

I started to force myself to do each thing on each page rather than do it because I enjoyed it. 

I found that I was stressed over trying to make each page look incredible with a memory plonked on it. I was trying to rush to get each photo on a page so I was "up to date".
I got competitive with things I had seen on pintrest or google.
Worst was when I put myself down because my friend had done a couple of really nice pages in her scrapbook & bought over all her new stuff to show me.
I started 3 different scrapbook projects at once & I felt I had to show everyone what I had done as some sort of validation.
In the end I would get annoyed and just not bother sticking anything down and packing it all away.

It just didn't make me happy any more.
That’s what depression can do to you though. It can make you lose interest in something that you enjoy such as a hobby you've been doing for nearly 9 years.

Scrapbooking is about getting those photos out of shoe boxes or attics and into albums where they can be seen and shared.
Best of all, no experience or expertise is required—it’s as simple as cutting and gluing!

A scrapbook is simply a decorated photo album, a selection of pages, which preserve the memories & stories behind the photo.
It can also hold memorabilia (tickets, certificates, letters, etc.)
And mine was slowly becoming something of stress & hard work.

I'm about to embark on the most amazing chapter of my life...
Why rush each page, each moment, in the effort to “just get it done”.
Where is the enjoyment in that?

I may not get as much time to sit down & do more than one page, or capture every moment on camera.
I'll be too busy trying to enjoy each moment & create more incredible memories.

Don’t get me wrong though, I've still not had it easy over the last few months.
I've had a couple of lovely trips up to the Antenatal ward with reduced foetal movement on 3 accounts & being very unwell on 2 trips. One ended up with me staying in hospital overnight. can't catch a break...

It’s very hard to get out & about trying to make yourself feel better when you can’t move like you used to.
Suddenly I'm carrying an extra 7lbs due to baby weight etc., and I can’t do the big days out right now.

I struggle walking because of my sore hips & back for which I am seeing physio for, I'm not sleeping well due to heartburn & insomnia, I get hot and flustered easily with the weather heating up.

I’m still trying to cling onto the old me, meet up with friends, go for a coffee & talk on the phone.
Thing is, I'm becoming something new and exciting.
I am moving on & growing up.

Though I hope the old me still remains there in the back somewhere, and my friends realise that I am not leaving them behind…

I'm actually looking forward to the new me – the one where someone calls me ‘Mummy’.

So to sign off in the words of Rita Ora:

R.I.P. to the girl you used to see

Her days are over, baby she's over….

When It Is Not Just The Baby Blues.

Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It can also affect fathers and partners, although this is less common.

With research, support groups, exposure in films, TV and various other media, postnatal depression is widely heard of.

However there is a dark counterpart that a lot of people are completely unaware of due to the range in Hormones women experience when they are pregnant.

Antenatal Depression.

Or Prenatal Depression.

It doesn't matter which name you chose to call it, it is still a serious problem that needs more recognition.

It's also just as common affecting more than 1 in every 10 women as well.

Pregnancy is meant to be such a happy time but because we don’t talk about mental health during pregnancy as much as we do after the birth, women don’t know that it can be a very different story.

It started with me feeling snappy and being unnecessarily rude to those around me. I was just not my usual self at all.
 I shrugged it off at first and thought it was just my hormones playing up. I had quite a rough start at the beginning of my pregnancy and i thought my body was just struggling to cope with all these new feelings.

However, it started to get worse. I knew I really wanted the baby, but I didn't feel like I wanted much else in life.

I wasn't sleeping well and I’d wake up with that horrible feeling of doom starting every day. I was absolutely dreading going to work everyday and facing the general public all day long.

I’d cry at the drop of a hat about things that wouldn't normally make me cry. I don't mean just a little sob either, I am referring to being completely inconsolable for well over an hour and some.

I felt very tired, every time I sat down I’d just doze off to sleep. I never seemed to feel that glowing period that everybody talks about.

I wanted to avoid social settings as much as possible because the thought of dealing with other people was devastating.

My husband and I had a holiday booked to visit family in Minnesota and that was the only thing keeping me going for a long time. Whilst we spent 2 weeks there, I noticed my mood shifted dramatically - and so did my Husband.

It was only after we had been home for 2 days and I had been back to work that I started to feel a familiar black cloud looming around me.

WOMP. I was back to rock bottom again in no time.
I was starting to pick up on the difference between crying over silly stuff and that just being normal pregnancy hormones...

And crying because I could see no way out.

I was becoming desperate.

I started looking for some answers that could explain why my beautiful pregnancy had this horrible uneasy feeling encasing it. 

I tried to talk to my hubby about how awful I had been feeling for months on end and unfortunately he put it down to tiredness/hormones/jetlag.
Why wouldn't he? That's what I thought too to start with.
After 4 attempts to explain that this didn't feel normal, I explained what I was feeling and told him to ignore the fact I was pregnant.

What would he say to someone experiencing these thoughts and feelings if they were not pregnant?

Depression.

Typical signs of depression include:

•       you feel generally down most of the time
•          you can’t be bothered with things
•          you can’t concentrate or make decisions
•         you don’t enjoy life
•          you’re tired and don’t have any energy
•          you can’t get to sleep and then you wake up early
•          you feel tearful
•          you feel irritable and don’t want to be with other people
•          you feel restless and agitated
•          you lose your self-confidence
•          you feel worthless
•          you feel guilty
•          you lose your appetite or have a much bigger appetite
•          you lose interest in sex
•          you think about suicide.

If you have depression you won’t necessarily experience all of these symptoms. 

Some of these things can also be a normal part of pregnancy, such as feeling very tired or tearful or going off sex. Which is why it took me and those around me a while to realise I was unwell.

If your feelings started gradually you may find it hard to tell where the line is between ‘normal’ difficult feelings and being depressed. Or it may be obvious because you suddenly start to feel very low.

For me it was just one thing after another piling on top and I was drowning under the weight of it all. 

1. My Great grandmother passed away the week after I found out I was expecting.
2. I contracted the norovirus and was vomitting non stop for 2 weeks.
3. At 8 weeks pregnant, I had a bleed & was told by the on call GP at A&E that I had had a miscarriage.This was after a positive pregnancy test, without her actually carrying out a scan, telling me I was ok to go home and offering me no advice or support for what was about to come. She asked me if I had someone to talk to & "to sleep on an old towel and wear a sanitary pad whilst my body naturally aborts the baby." Her last words to us were "I'm so sorry."
4. I attended my Great grandmother's funeral the next day.
5. I found out 2 days later that I had NOT had a miscarriage and everything was fine apart from a small tear in the gestational sac - caused by throwing up so much with the norovirus.
6. I had horrible morning sickness until i was about 13 weeks.
7. I had a bout of fainting and black outs caused by stress at 18 weeks.
8. I wasn't coping well at work due to stressing about letting my team down from being off sick so much.

My GP was lovely though - I knew something was not right, so I called and demanded that someone see me the same day. I had waited long enough to get some help and I wasn't prepared to be told to come back the following week. 

He spoke to me on the phone and agreed that he needed to see me in person because this was serious and I needed help and support ASAP.

I spoke to him later that evening, and he finally gave me my answer. 

You may feel very guilty at feeling low at a time when everyone expects you to be happy. I know I did and I know that is a huge part of why I avoided talking to anyone about my feelings for so long, but pregnancy depression is not your fault. 

Your midwife or doctor won’t criticise you or judge you for having these feelings.

They know this happens to many pregnant women, and they will discuss and organise treatments so you can get better.

My GP prescribed me with some antidepressants, signed me off work for 2 weeks and gave me a list of numbers for support groups and counsellors I could talk to.

Your GP may prescribe antidepressants which can help to ease many of the symptoms of moderate or severe antenatal depression. It is generally considered safe to take certain types of antidepressants when pregnant or breastfeeding.

Talking treatments, such as counselling and psychotherapy, offer you the opportunity to look at the underlying factors that have contributed to depression, as well as helping you to change the way you feel. I knew mine was from a long list of unfortunate events!

I ended up staying off work for 4 weeks in all and took my antidepressants for only the first week.

You can get pregnancy depression ‘out of the blue’, even if none of the symptoms in the list above sound familiar to you. It affects women from all walks of life, at different ages and stages of their pregnancy.  Experiencing depression, especially during pregnancy, can feel isolating and confusing but you’re not alone.

You are not alone.

Just keep reminding yourself that!

Try to talk about how you’re feeling and be positive about seeking help.

It’s the best thing I ever did. 

With the right help and support, particularly early on, things can get better.

I am still not 100% better, but with a huge support system of caring medical professionals, concerned family, understanding friends & the most loving and patient Husband, I am definitely on my way to being the cheerful chatty person I am known to be.

Finally, Trust yourself – you are the best judge of whether your feelings are normal for you. Don't give up - someone will listen to you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post - Obviously there is so much more that I could write about, and this isn't even the whole story! It is just to raise some awareness...

 I hoped I helped even just a little.

Love Hailie

x

The Most Annoying Things You’ll Hear During Your Pregnancy

Sorry for the upcoming rant but I am extremely irritable at the moment and I just cannot cope with being 33 weeks pregnant, in this horrible humidity we're currently having and dealing with all these annoying questions and comments!

Here are some of the most annoying ones:

When are you due? 

28th of June. 

Yes, I have 7 Weeks left. 

No, you are right - that is not long to go, Thank you for the reminder.

Is this your first baby? Are you excited?

Yes it is & Yes I am.

Actually this isn't annoying to be asked if I am in the right frame of mind, but it is annoying the amount of times you will get asked throughout the last 6 months of pregnancy by literally everyone you meet.

Do you have any names picked out? 

OMG -WERE WE SUPPOSED TO PICK NAMES? 

Yes we do have names. No I am not telling you. 

Why?

Because no doubt you will give me your unwanted opinion on my carefully chosen names and tell me some awful story on why I will regret naming my child Tiffany or Noah.

Do you know what you're having? 

Uh, well, we think it's a human, but we're not sure...it could be a unicorn! (secretly hoping!)

No, we don't know if its a boy or girl.

We'd be happy either way. 

We purposely chose not to find out because we thought it would be a nice surprise, but do go on to tell me why you think we are wrong for not finding out, and why you decided that you would with each of yours.

You sure there is just one in there? 

Actually, now you mention it I could be a rodent and there could in fact be about 12 babies lurking in there.

Yes, after 4 ultrasounds and 2 fetal heart monitoring sessions due to reduced movement, I'm sure there is just one squishy human baby in there. 

Can I rub your belly? 

Can I rub yours? 

No!?

What do you mean that it is an invasion of your personal space?!

Let me get one thing clear -unless you are family or a friend that I have invited to touch me, then, no. 

You may not rub my belly.

How much weight have you gained? 

I'd say I have gained about the equivalent of an unborn child that has been gestating for approximately 33 weeks.

"I can't wait for you to get Kankles!"

I can't wait to punch you in the face!

Who will watch the baby when you go back to work? 

You mean, like, I'm not supposed to bring the baby to work with me? 

But they may be brilliant at selling holidays! 

My Mother has already offered/asked along with my mother in law, sister in law & best friends.

I have a variety of people on standby for the odd 20 hours a week I will need help.

Was this baby an accident or planned? 

Did you really, truly just ask me this question?

I fail to see what my family's future and how we are going to get there is any concern for someone who is not myself or my Husband. 

Yes, our baby was planned, but I would like to remind a few people that unplanned does not mean unwanted or unloved.

Seriously the rudest question I have been asked - and by a family member too!

How long have you been trying for? 

I am so sorry! I didn't realise my sex life is up for discussion?!

I think you're having a girl. Did you know that girls suck the beauty out of their mothers?

If you wanted to tell me I looked ugly today, I'm sure there was a way better way of doing it. 

"I think you're having a boy because you're carrying really wide."

Thank you for the gentle reminder that I am FAT.

"You look like you’re ready to pop!” 

Did you notice that the sky is also blue today, too?

Thank you for the second gentle reminder that I am FAT.

How many times a day are you going to the Toilet? 

Are you My GP or Midwife? 

No - None of your business!

Are you going to have an epidural?

I didn't realise that "I haven't decided yet" is not an adequate answer.

Please tell me I should do what you decided upon because you apparently know what is best for me.

In fact the only people I will take advice from regarding this are ladies who have tried both!

Do you plan to breast or bottle-feed? 

Oh, ok i didn't realise that "I haven't decided yet" is not an adequate answer on this subject either!

Again...Regardless of how I answer this it is going to be wrong so therefore I am not answering this.

None of your business what I eventually decide on! And I mean ME - not my husband either!

What were the worst things you heard while pregnant?

What time is it?

So there's a few things in life that are a certain when going on vacation -

You will pack far too much.

You suddenly don't know where your passport is the night before you're due to travel.

There will be some chav-tastic travellers on route to their chav-tastic holiday completely wasted and it's only 6am.

And there are so many more to add to that list.

So there's a few things in life that are a certain when you're pregnant -

You will feel so exhausted at some point over those 40 weeks that you could fall asleep stood up, mid sentence & possibly with a mouthful of food half chewed.

Your body will change shape & people can't help but stare at you as if they are trying to work out what planet you are from.

You'll need to eat, sleep and pee more than normal and at really inconvenient times.

And there are so many more to add to that list.

Try both of those things at once, travelling long haul for your First trip to the USA.

I did.
And here's a new post!
Fancy that.

The flight out to Minneapolis/St Paul was actually pretty good. The staff at Heathrow &  Delta airlines were pretty helpful. They moved us about a bit to give both myself and the hubby some extra space on the plane, and let us have priority boarding so I could waddle at my own pace without impatient passengers bumping me.

We both found that we adjusted pretty quickly to being -6 hours GMT and went on to have an amazing 2 weeks visiting family and doing the tourist thing.
(That will be a whole new post!)

The flight back however was not so fun...
Again the Delta crew moved us about for comfort & were pretty good at checking in on me throughout the flight.
Unfortunately it was an over night flight, so most of it was in darkness & we had some pretty terrifying turbulence that woke me from the precious sleep I managed to get.

I thought the plane was going to snap it was so bad, went on for nearly 2 hours & frightened me so much that I panicked & started to sob...Hubs came to sit with me and held my hand for that part of the flight. I'm not even ashamed to admit I cried over that & didn't find it funny.

With everything in the news, all the horror stories strangers like to tell pregnant ladies & the fact I had only 2 hours sleep, I just couldn't help but feel scared.

After that, landing, baggage and everything else was fine.

I am now however in pain with my lower back...
Normal pregnant side effect on top of a previous back injury & I'm rather rounded out now so I can't stretch the way I used to in Physiotherapy.
I have a wiggly baby kicking me in the bladder, which again is a small side effect of pregnancy (a side effect i am currently loving when the bladder isnt the play thing)
I do also have poorly husband snoring next to me & I really don't want to disturb him because he really needs some sleep to feel better...

On top of all those normal insomnia inducing things, I am jet lagged & have 5 more days of full time work before I get a day off.

I guess this is the future...

Welcome to motherhood Hailie 🙈
Say goodbye to sleep forever.

Why are you crying now?!

Back in October 2015, I found out I was pregnant with my first child.

I found out 1 day after my first wedding anniversary and found it highly amusing the amount of people who advised me to be married "at least a year" before having a baby.
I,clearly, took their advice very seriously!

Since then, with the help of preggo hormones, I have cried at some of the funniest things.

After telling a friend about these things over lunch on Christmas eve, she insists I text her when something new and funny adds to the list.

Recently I messaged her with the newest addition, and was told I should start a blog.

Pregnancy is filled with exciting, unusual things - especially for the first timer
- and writing down the funny things that made me cry might just keep me sane. (Plus give everyone a giggle in the process!)

Some may not seem rational... (but when are pregnant ladies rational?)
And some may not actually sound funny to start with until you hear the length of time I cried over it!

Baby brain permitting I will attempt to remember everything that made me cry over the last 14 weeks of pregnancy!

So here is a list of things that have made me cry:

1. Finding out I was pregnant whilst my husband was half way to India for a week. I had this lovely idea on how to tell him, but ended up texting him "I'm Pregnant!!!!" Which he received as he landed in Dubai and then could not get hold of me for an hour and half of his lay over because I was at work.

2. I finished washing the dishes. 
Not sure if this was relief or pride?

3. Saw a TV advert with a kitten.

4. I didn't think my christmas gift choices for my husband were going to be good enough. I cried for half an hour over this, all whilst hubby consoled me.

5. Hubby consoled me over Christmas present choices and i thought he was the sweetest man alive at this point.

6. Hubby made me a plate of cucumber slices when I had morning sickness/stomach virus combo and couldn't get out of bed for nearly 2 weeks.

7. Watching the Apprentice - Charlene's kids said sweet stuff about her. Gone in seconds.

8. My Christmas card from my husband had lovely words in it about me and baby...

9. I don't know what to pack for my trip to minnesota because I'm pregnant, it's freezing there and I'm hormonal.

20 minutes of crying over which cream jumper to pack...taking 3 out of 4 of them.

10. We ran out of my favourite cheese.

11. Hubby replaced my favourite cheese.

12. Craving Coco Pops like my life depends on it - hubby buys them for me.

13. Can't understand why some people just aren't acting happy for me.
Cried for 5 minutes - had a bowl of coco pops - cried for 25 minutes.

And the most recent...

14. Ran out of full fat milk so couldn't have coco pops. Booed my eyes out like I'd lost a loved one. Half an hour to calm down...

People who know me well know I don't like showing emotion unless something is seriously wrong... 

This new me that cries at everything is absolutely hilarious for them...

Enjoy the list!!

Hailie & Baby vR xx