When It Is Not Just The Baby Blues.

Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It can also affect fathers and partners, although this is less common.

With research, support groups, exposure in films, TV and various other media, postnatal depression is widely heard of.

However there is a dark counterpart that a lot of people are completely unaware of due to the range in Hormones women experience when they are pregnant.

Antenatal Depression.

Or Prenatal Depression.

It doesn't matter which name you chose to call it, it is still a serious problem that needs more recognition.

It's also just as common affecting more than 1 in every 10 women as well.

Pregnancy is meant to be such a happy time but because we don’t talk about mental health during pregnancy as much as we do after the birth, women don’t know that it can be a very different story.

It started with me feeling snappy and being unnecessarily rude to those around me. I was just not my usual self at all.
 I shrugged it off at first and thought it was just my hormones playing up. I had quite a rough start at the beginning of my pregnancy and i thought my body was just struggling to cope with all these new feelings.

However, it started to get worse. I knew I really wanted the baby, but I didn't feel like I wanted much else in life.

I wasn't sleeping well and I’d wake up with that horrible feeling of doom starting every day. I was absolutely dreading going to work everyday and facing the general public all day long.

I’d cry at the drop of a hat about things that wouldn't normally make me cry. I don't mean just a little sob either, I am referring to being completely inconsolable for well over an hour and some.

I felt very tired, every time I sat down I’d just doze off to sleep. I never seemed to feel that glowing period that everybody talks about.

I wanted to avoid social settings as much as possible because the thought of dealing with other people was devastating.

My husband and I had a holiday booked to visit family in Minnesota and that was the only thing keeping me going for a long time. Whilst we spent 2 weeks there, I noticed my mood shifted dramatically - and so did my Husband.

It was only after we had been home for 2 days and I had been back to work that I started to feel a familiar black cloud looming around me.

WOMP. I was back to rock bottom again in no time.
I was starting to pick up on the difference between crying over silly stuff and that just being normal pregnancy hormones...

And crying because I could see no way out.

I was becoming desperate.

I started looking for some answers that could explain why my beautiful pregnancy had this horrible uneasy feeling encasing it. 

I tried to talk to my hubby about how awful I had been feeling for months on end and unfortunately he put it down to tiredness/hormones/jetlag.
Why wouldn't he? That's what I thought too to start with.
After 4 attempts to explain that this didn't feel normal, I explained what I was feeling and told him to ignore the fact I was pregnant.

What would he say to someone experiencing these thoughts and feelings if they were not pregnant?

Depression.

Typical signs of depression include:

•       you feel generally down most of the time
•          you can’t be bothered with things
•          you can’t concentrate or make decisions
•         you don’t enjoy life
•          you’re tired and don’t have any energy
•          you can’t get to sleep and then you wake up early
•          you feel tearful
•          you feel irritable and don’t want to be with other people
•          you feel restless and agitated
•          you lose your self-confidence
•          you feel worthless
•          you feel guilty
•          you lose your appetite or have a much bigger appetite
•          you lose interest in sex
•          you think about suicide.

If you have depression you won’t necessarily experience all of these symptoms. 

Some of these things can also be a normal part of pregnancy, such as feeling very tired or tearful or going off sex. Which is why it took me and those around me a while to realise I was unwell.

If your feelings started gradually you may find it hard to tell where the line is between ‘normal’ difficult feelings and being depressed. Or it may be obvious because you suddenly start to feel very low.

For me it was just one thing after another piling on top and I was drowning under the weight of it all. 

1. My Great grandmother passed away the week after I found out I was expecting.
2. I contracted the norovirus and was vomitting non stop for 2 weeks.
3. At 8 weeks pregnant, I had a bleed & was told by the on call GP at A&E that I had had a miscarriage.This was after a positive pregnancy test, without her actually carrying out a scan, telling me I was ok to go home and offering me no advice or support for what was about to come. She asked me if I had someone to talk to & "to sleep on an old towel and wear a sanitary pad whilst my body naturally aborts the baby." Her last words to us were "I'm so sorry."
4. I attended my Great grandmother's funeral the next day.
5. I found out 2 days later that I had NOT had a miscarriage and everything was fine apart from a small tear in the gestational sac - caused by throwing up so much with the norovirus.
6. I had horrible morning sickness until i was about 13 weeks.
7. I had a bout of fainting and black outs caused by stress at 18 weeks.
8. I wasn't coping well at work due to stressing about letting my team down from being off sick so much.

My GP was lovely though - I knew something was not right, so I called and demanded that someone see me the same day. I had waited long enough to get some help and I wasn't prepared to be told to come back the following week. 

He spoke to me on the phone and agreed that he needed to see me in person because this was serious and I needed help and support ASAP.

I spoke to him later that evening, and he finally gave me my answer. 

You may feel very guilty at feeling low at a time when everyone expects you to be happy. I know I did and I know that is a huge part of why I avoided talking to anyone about my feelings for so long, but pregnancy depression is not your fault. 

Your midwife or doctor won’t criticise you or judge you for having these feelings.

They know this happens to many pregnant women, and they will discuss and organise treatments so you can get better.

My GP prescribed me with some antidepressants, signed me off work for 2 weeks and gave me a list of numbers for support groups and counsellors I could talk to.

Your GP may prescribe antidepressants which can help to ease many of the symptoms of moderate or severe antenatal depression. It is generally considered safe to take certain types of antidepressants when pregnant or breastfeeding.

Talking treatments, such as counselling and psychotherapy, offer you the opportunity to look at the underlying factors that have contributed to depression, as well as helping you to change the way you feel. I knew mine was from a long list of unfortunate events!

I ended up staying off work for 4 weeks in all and took my antidepressants for only the first week.

You can get pregnancy depression ‘out of the blue’, even if none of the symptoms in the list above sound familiar to you. It affects women from all walks of life, at different ages and stages of their pregnancy.  Experiencing depression, especially during pregnancy, can feel isolating and confusing but you’re not alone.

You are not alone.

Just keep reminding yourself that!

Try to talk about how you’re feeling and be positive about seeking help.

It’s the best thing I ever did. 

With the right help and support, particularly early on, things can get better.

I am still not 100% better, but with a huge support system of caring medical professionals, concerned family, understanding friends & the most loving and patient Husband, I am definitely on my way to being the cheerful chatty person I am known to be.

Finally, Trust yourself – you are the best judge of whether your feelings are normal for you. Don't give up - someone will listen to you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post - Obviously there is so much more that I could write about, and this isn't even the whole story! It is just to raise some awareness...

 I hoped I helped even just a little.

Love Hailie

x