In Loving Memory...of The Old Me

So, some good news - I got back to my scrapbooking this afternoon. 

Ok, so I've only done 1 page...
But I haven't done any at all since at least the beginning of April.

Although it cheered me up when I was signed off sick with antenatal depression (See post here), I found I lost all motivation when I went back to work because I was too tired. 

I started to force myself to do each thing on each page rather than do it because I enjoyed it. 

I found that I was stressed over trying to make each page look incredible with a memory plonked on it. I was trying to rush to get each photo on a page so I was "up to date".
I got competitive with things I had seen on pintrest or google.
Worst was when I put myself down because my friend had done a couple of really nice pages in her scrapbook & bought over all her new stuff to show me.
I started 3 different scrapbook projects at once & I felt I had to show everyone what I had done as some sort of validation.
In the end I would get annoyed and just not bother sticking anything down and packing it all away.

It just didn't make me happy any more.
That’s what depression can do to you though. It can make you lose interest in something that you enjoy such as a hobby you've been doing for nearly 9 years.

Scrapbooking is about getting those photos out of shoe boxes or attics and into albums where they can be seen and shared.
Best of all, no experience or expertise is required—it’s as simple as cutting and gluing!

A scrapbook is simply a decorated photo album, a selection of pages, which preserve the memories & stories behind the photo.
It can also hold memorabilia (tickets, certificates, letters, etc.)
And mine was slowly becoming something of stress & hard work.

I'm about to embark on the most amazing chapter of my life...
Why rush each page, each moment, in the effort to “just get it done”.
Where is the enjoyment in that?

I may not get as much time to sit down & do more than one page, or capture every moment on camera.
I'll be too busy trying to enjoy each moment & create more incredible memories.

Don’t get me wrong though, I've still not had it easy over the last few months.
I've had a couple of lovely trips up to the Antenatal ward with reduced foetal movement on 3 accounts & being very unwell on 2 trips. One ended up with me staying in hospital overnight. can't catch a break...

It’s very hard to get out & about trying to make yourself feel better when you can’t move like you used to.
Suddenly I'm carrying an extra 7lbs due to baby weight etc., and I can’t do the big days out right now.

I struggle walking because of my sore hips & back for which I am seeing physio for, I'm not sleeping well due to heartburn & insomnia, I get hot and flustered easily with the weather heating up.

I’m still trying to cling onto the old me, meet up with friends, go for a coffee & talk on the phone.
Thing is, I'm becoming something new and exciting.
I am moving on & growing up.

Though I hope the old me still remains there in the back somewhere, and my friends realise that I am not leaving them behind…

I'm actually looking forward to the new me – the one where someone calls me ‘Mummy’.

So to sign off in the words of Rita Ora:

R.I.P. to the girl you used to see

Her days are over, baby she's over….